Comedy

Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives has kickass Holiday Party.

Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives has kickass Holiday Party.

Albert Goodfellow, Deputy Director of Cuban Cigar Confiscation, and Co-Chair of the ATF Holiday Party Committee, describes what brought about the amazing party: “We were all just sitting around the break room, discussing where we would store a nuke if we were lucky enough to confiscate one, when Joan, our AK-47 tester, made a nasty comment about how we already had a big bomb this December, looking right at me. It was very hurtful, as everyone knows I put a lot of time in last year’s event. I’m sorry if the potluck on the Mall, followed by the treasure hunt for Amazon cards wasn’t everyone’s cup of ammo.”

“It totally sucked. Sitting around with the same people you work with, and their equally boring families, drinking Diet Cokes, and over-cooked Mac & Cheese.” Vince Krackow, Deputy of Grenades quipped. “And then lame Albert announces a Treasure hunt. Really? Hello, have you seen what the ATF does? Only our treasure happens to be filterless Czech cigarettes, high powered home-made Gatling guns, 200 proof Tequila, and sometimes a dirty bomb or two.”

Albert was deeply wounded by the words. “I take my responsibilities very seriously, whether it’s destroying a Cuban micro-submarine loaded with Macanudos off the Florida Keys, or making sure my co-workers are rewarded for their hard work at the end of the year with a darn good Christmas – sorry, I mean holiday party.”

Knowing something had to change, Albert describes what inspired him to throw what Beltway insiders have described as the mother of all parties, and the greatest national disaster since Katrina.

Sitting in his isolation cell in Pelican Bay, Albert proudly recounts how the “event” came about. “I was in one of our top secret storage vaults, staring at a few million crates of 100 percent pure Columbian Cocaine, scratching my head on how we could have a fun event, when it came to me! Dinner cruise, with the whole works; DJ, refreshing non-alcoholic drinks, raffle – nice, right? Only when I went on board the Jewel of the Potomac to make our soft drink selections, Rommel the bomb sniffing dog went crazy. Turns out that the Jewel of the Potomac was taking a lot more than diners up the river! Found 2,000 pounds of stolen C-4 under the floorboards. Packed our booty right up, put a bullet in the Captain’s skull and sunk the Jewel right at the dock. But my dream of me and my co-workers sipping Shirley Temples as we cruised along the Maryland shores also was sunk.”

“But as we were unloading the C-4, I found out we were out of storage space. I mean, ATF’s been confiscating contraband for like 200 years, and we have hundreds of heavily guarded warehouses the size of aircraft carriers filled with the most toxic items on God’s planet, but we finally hit the limit. It was a crisis. How do you get rid of thousands of pounds of booze, cigarettes, guns and bombs? How? It was a crisis. But then I realized … also an opportunity!”

An opportunity for disaster. As of the posting of this article, the ATF “Holiday Party,” has been raging out of control for three days. At last count, 237 people have been shot or blown up, while drunken and drug-infused banditry has spread across Maryland, Virginia, and parts of Pennsylvania. Georgetown is one giant minefield, and a cloud of tobacco smoke has blocked out the sun over Delaware, which is covered in darkness.”

Party planner Albert Goodfellow was captured outside of the Falls Church Mall, munching on Bath Salts, with seven cigarettes in his mouth, holding a Polish rocket launcher and a bottle of Absinthe, sitting on a 10,000 pound Chinese Shanghai smart bomb. He is scheduled for execution, and challenges any agency to top ATF’s mondo fiesta.

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Bristol Farms Market Changes Name To $999 Store.

Bristol Farms Market Changes Name To $999 Dollar Store.

California-based food market chain Bristol Farms announced on Tuesday that they are renaming all of their ultra-premium stores to better reflect the Bristol Farms shopping experience. “We did a study of what the average customer spends in Bristol Farms, and the number we hit was $999,” Trillionaire CEO Oswald Cumber stated at a press conference held aboard his flying aircraft carrier. “Whether you buy a roll of eco-friendly recycled Icelandic toilet paper and a stick of Tibetan Yeti butter, or 2 pounds of Sidney Kangaroo meat and a bottle of 100 year-old Columbian agave, you’re paying $999. We don’t fully understand how, but that’s what the numbers are telling us.”

Cumber hopes that the new name will better inform customers of what to expect at checkout, and hopefully keep the riffraff out. “Some of our customers have been upset with the rise in the number of American cars in the parking lot,” Cumber observed.

Many employees applaud the change. “I’m tired of customers coming in here and complaining about the prices,” Manager Preston Williamson IV complained. “Yeah the bill is $999. How? The $770 chicken you’re buying lived in a Pasadena mansion and had a name. Philip Gunderson. And Philip Gunderson wasn’t chopped up in some giant slaughter house, but died honorably in a duel with Samurai, using a 1200 year old Hatori Hanzo sword. And the $200 corn? Duh. It’s totally hormone free, makes you immune to cancer, and was pissed on by Chumash Shaman! You think you’ll find that at Ralphs? No. What you’ll find at Ralphs is cheap diseased corn being gnawed on by rats.”

Not everyone is happy with the name change. Beverly Hills based Bristol shopper Morgana LeCarte is very agitated. “I’m very stressed about this name change thing. It’s taken me years to train my maid Genesis not to go to that horrible Vons place when I send her out with ten Benjamins for my mid-day platinum-infused Pomegranate yogurt and Bald Eagle Soup, and I’m afraid this new name thingy is gonna confuse her. Does this mean she has to take a different bus?”

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Study shows pre-teen alcohol consumption higher than originally believed.

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Romney Announces Vice Presidential Running Mate: Foghorn J. Leghorn.

Romney Announces Vice Presidential Running Mate:  Foghorn J. Leghorn.

In a move that many political pundits predicted, Mitt Romney has named a fictional character as his running mate. “I saw this coming a mile away,” Democratic Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said from her 1,214 foot hydrogen-powered airship, “though the choice of a racist Looney Tunes cartoon character was a pleasant surprise . I didn’t know the robot knew what cartoons were …”

Upon learning of the news, Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner broke into tears. “I’m just so touched that Mitt would pick such a character! I have such fond memories from childhood of watching Foghorn, and Granny, and that mean dog he was always trying to murder … it just tickles me to think that a whole new generation of Americans will be exposed to Foghorn’s wisdom … and funny accent.”

Beltway insiders believe that Foghorn will align nicely with the Republican base that Romney so badly needs. “I think it’s a given that Foghorn is anti-abortion, anti-immigration, anti-women, and certainly no fan of civil rights,” an un-named, very tiny yellow cartoon bird with a lisp stated off-the-record, “I mean, have you seen the cartoon? I’m pretty sure Foghorn owned slaves. They never actually show it, but it’s implicit, right?”

Romney so far has not acknowledged the non-existence of his running mate, cocking his head to the right, and freezing for thirty seconds every time confronted with that fact. But birther-supporter Rush Limbaugh considers the fictionality of the potential future Vice President a positive. “So what that the Rooster’s not real? What is real in Obama’s America?” a sweat covered Limbaugh bellowed this morning on his radioshow, “How do we even know Obama is real? Have you seen a real birth certificate from a real State yet? Hawaii? Right. How do we even know Obama was ever born? Answer. We don’t!”

While there has been no official statement from Foghorn Leghorn as of this posting, a Warner Bros. spokesman said that one would be coming soon. And that’s all folks.

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Spain Finds Precious Antique Book In Garage, Santiago de Compostela Codex Calixtinus: Portugal Claims It Found The Book First, And Just Lost It While Wine Tasting In Mallorca – IBERIAN WAR IMMINENT!

Spain Finds Precious Antique Book, Santiago de Compostela Codex Calixtinus:  Portugal Claims It Found The Book First, And Just Lost It While Wine Tasting In Mallorca – IBERIAN WAR IMMINENT!

In what may lead to a forgettable war on the Iberian Penninsula, Spain’s newest possession – the Santiago de Compostela Codex Calixtinus (a religious book with a lot of poorly drawn pictures) — which Spain claims is like the best book ever, has caused oily tempers to flare over whatever counts as a border between it and pesky neighbor Portugal.
“We love this book!” Spain responded. “It’s the friggin’ most awesome Codex on the planet. And it’s ours. Portugal doesn’t even read! They don’t! Everyone knows it, so … finders keepers, losers weepers.”
Portugal responded by fueling its one military plane, and searching for the pilot, Afonso, who is believed to be vacationing in Ibiza with his spinster sister, Afonsa-Maria.
Clutching the Codex to its hairy chest, Spain shot back: “If it’s Portugal’s book, how come their name is not in it? You see Portugal written anywhere on the Compostela here, huh hombre?” — while opening the cover of the unreadable ancient book and showing it to the few people who cared.
Portugal has demanded an immediate emergency session with the United Nations Library Division, claiming it is ready to present its receipt from Barnes & Noble for the tome. “$15.99. It was on sale! See, see!” Portugal chirped, waving the receipt at Spain.
Spain claims that the receipt was for an e-book, and responded by mobilizing the Nadal family. Then Spain took a nap.
Portugal is believed to have delivered a declaration of war to Madrid, only nobody in Madrid speaks Portuguese, which is really just bad Spanish when all is said and done, so this can not be confirmed.
Upon hearing of its Iberian neighbors’ squabble, France immediately mocked the Codex as a lesser work, then surrendered to Monaco.

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July 4th Tribute: Daniel Plainview, Great American!

July 4th Tribute:  Daniel Plainview, Great American

As you sit back in your yard this Independence Day, sipping a Budweiser beer, and munching on a large hamburger, I’d like you to take a moment to think about the men and women that founded this great nation. The other night, as I dozed off at the end of Co-ED Confidential 7: Cabo, I was lucky enough to catch a rare documentary on Cinemax, called THERE WILL BE BLOOD, about a giant of a man, who history clearly has forgotten. Daniel Plainview, 1874-1922, symbolizes everything this country was built on. Optimism, pride, and a never-ending thirst for success, and milk shakes. He even had a deaf kid. Can you believe that? And he liked bowling, before bowling was a big deal. He was a visionary.
What really touched me though, was the relationship he had with a young preacher. He taught the young man there was more to life than just a prayer book and faith, encouraging him to travel and see the world, while Daniel guarded his mineral rights. He even was nice enough to make sure the boy’s oil rights weren’t wasted, tapping them so everyone could have cheap gas.  I didn’t catch the end of the last scene, where the Preacher came back, and wanted to bowl with him, but I assume Daniel adopted him, so his deaf son could have a brother.  Such a man!
And talk about someone who didn’t take “no” for an answer. Long before date rape was a hip term, Daniel Plainview believed “no” means “yes!”  I wish I had the guts to tell the next person who told me “no”, that I was gonna go to their house and “slit their throat.”  Such a kidder!
Here’s to you Mr. Plainview! You can slurp up this Patriot‘s milk-shake anytime!

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Assad to Turkey: Sorry about downed jet, it could have been Israeli. Flying Israeli man not offended.

I’m all about forgiveness, superhero David Bernstein, aka RED MINORA, responds, as he lands in Madrid, there to attend the European Superhero Conference.

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I think my dog has a drinking problem…

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Known canine alcoholic Roxie, having her seventh glass of Merlot at 9:30 a.m. at the SAUCY CAT.   Roxie later stumbled out of the bar, pissed on the back of a three-pound Chihuahua named Princess Genesis Garcia , then vomited after eating vodka soaked grass.  She then ate her vomit.   And smiled.  She has no memory of the morning, and currently is in denial that there is a problem.

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LACMA Renames Levitating Mass, Morons Under Rock

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Since it’s opening this May, LACMA’s newest attraction, LEVITATING MASS, with a pricetag of over twenty-million dollars, has attracted the interest, and bewilderment, of thousands of less-than bright visitors.  Mary Kelly, in for the week with her unruly kids from Wichita, Kansas, said she and her boys had visited the “big rock” twice already, and were still amazed:  “I mean … $20 million?  I don’t get it … is there a big diamond inside it?”

LACMA Assistant Curator, Preston Jinkins, denied there were any diamonds inside the exhibit.  “Oh no, there’s nothing of value, whatsoever, in that rock … we had it x-rayed, and x-raying a rock of that mass is not cheap, believe me!”

Jolene Simmons, here with her sister Peg, from Appleton, Wisconsin, had even less to say:  “Levitating?  The stupid thing’s being held up by bolts!  They don’t even try and hide them!   Pardon the French, but Levitating my patootie!  Now could you direct us to the Smoothie stand, hon?”

Gerry Garvey, of Yonkers N.Y., was also less than complimentary of LACMA’s newest sensation.  “I thought there was a bar under it?  That’s what the guy at the hotel said.  I mean, why send people to a friggin’ rock — it’s not like it could fall on you.  They got a ton of girders on it!”

Nearby children, staring slackjawed at the heavily re-inforced rock,  agreed that installing a rock that might fall on top of you would be way cooler than what the current attraction offered.   Sally Pendelton, from Seattle Washington, said she’d camp out for weeks if there was any chance to see the rock fall on humans.  “My cousin recorded a deer getting hit by a van, totally gross … and CNN paid her $500 for the video.   Awesome, right?   Can you imagine what they’d pay for crushed people!  More than $500, or no deal!”

LACMA Assistant Curator Preston Jinkins, denied aggressively there was any chance that the rock could fall on patrons.  “What do you think we spent the $20 million on?  Guess yet … cause I’ll tell you … making sure that damn rock will never fall on anyone. Those screws you see sticking out of the rock are really strong.  Mithril, or something, and they cost like … a lot.  It’s not like we pocketed the cash.  That’s an insane accusation!  This is a non-profit.”  Jinkins then broke into a sweat, exiting fast, and was last seen driving down 6th Street in his 2012 BMW 750.

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I’m not buying a house from this “Hussy”!

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