Albert Goodfellow, Deputy Director of Cuban Cigar Confiscation, and Co-Chair of the ATF Holiday Party Committee, describes what brought about the amazing party: “We were all just sitting around the break room, discussing where we would store a nuke if we were lucky enough to confiscate one, when Joan, our AK-47 tester, made a nasty comment about how we already had a big bomb this December, looking right at me. It was very hurtful, as everyone knows I put a lot of time in last year’s event. I’m sorry if the potluck on the Mall, followed by the treasure hunt for Amazon cards wasn’t everyone’s cup of ammo.”
“It totally sucked. Sitting around with the same people you work with, and their equally boring families, drinking Diet Cokes, and over-cooked Mac & Cheese.” Vince Krackow, Deputy of Grenades quipped. “And then lame Albert announces a Treasure hunt. Really? Hello, have you seen what the ATF does? Only our treasure happens to be filterless Czech cigarettes, high powered home-made Gatling guns, 200 proof Tequila, and sometimes a dirty bomb or two.”
Albert was deeply wounded by the words. “I take my responsibilities very seriously, whether it’s destroying a Cuban micro-submarine loaded with Macanudos off the Florida Keys, or making sure my co-workers are rewarded for their hard work at the end of the year with a darn good Christmas – sorry, I mean holiday party.”
Knowing something had to change, Albert describes what inspired him to throw what Beltway insiders have described as the mother of all parties, and the greatest national disaster since Katrina.
Sitting in his isolation cell in Pelican Bay, Albert proudly recounts how the “event” came about. “I was in one of our top secret storage vaults, staring at a few million crates of 100 percent pure Columbian Cocaine, scratching my head on how we could have a fun event, when it came to me! Dinner cruise, with the whole works; DJ, refreshing non-alcoholic drinks, raffle – nice, right? Only when I went on board the Jewel of the Potomac to make our soft drink selections, Rommel the bomb sniffing dog went crazy. Turns out that the Jewel of the Potomac was taking a lot more than diners up the river! Found 2,000 pounds of stolen C-4 under the floorboards. Packed our booty right up, put a bullet in the Captain’s skull and sunk the Jewel right at the dock. But my dream of me and my co-workers sipping Shirley Temples as we cruised along the Maryland shores also was sunk.”
“But as we were unloading the C-4, I found out we were out of storage space. I mean, ATF’s been confiscating contraband for like 200 years, and we have hundreds of heavily guarded warehouses the size of aircraft carriers filled with the most toxic items on God’s planet, but we finally hit the limit. It was a crisis. How do you get rid of thousands of pounds of booze, cigarettes, guns and bombs? How? It was a crisis. But then I realized … also an opportunity!”
An opportunity for disaster. As of the posting of this article, the ATF “Holiday Party,” has been raging out of control for three days. At last count, 237 people have been shot or blown up, while drunken and drug-infused banditry has spread across Maryland, Virginia, and parts of Pennsylvania. Georgetown is one giant minefield, and a cloud of tobacco smoke has blocked out the sun over Delaware, which is covered in darkness.”
Party planner Albert Goodfellow was captured outside of the Falls Church Mall, munching on Bath Salts, with seven cigarettes in his mouth, holding a Polish rocket launcher and a bottle of Absinthe, sitting on a 10,000 pound Chinese Shanghai smart bomb. He is scheduled for execution, and challenges any agency to top ATF’s mondo fiesta.